IDEAS FOR REVISING

Say a student wrote a poem but was stuck on the idea of rhyming every line with a poem that went something like this:

The lawn has flowers
that look like towers
they are getting mowed
then they are towed
the blade is sour
with all its power
the flower must cower
with the smell of gas
and the mower coming past

This poem has a lot of interesting ideas in it: a cowardly flower that doesn’t want to grow because it will get mowed. Blowing grass. The sour blade of a lawn mower. However, because the poets are very focused on rhyming each line, it’s not easy to understand what they’re trying to talk about in the poem.

Dandelions are like towers
over the grass
The yellow head cowers
with the smell of gas
It lives in fear of the mower
coming to pass
The blade is sour

I started to write about just regular flowers but then I thought about what kind of flower would be afraid of a mower, so I changed it to a more specific flower.

Then I wondered what would happen if I took all the same ideas in the poem but didn’t try to rhyme at all…

FIRST DRAFT


Weed is such an
unfair name
This soft delicious yellow I
show
My soft spongy
petals
Touching your cheek
Don’t you love that?
Doesn’t it fill you
With the promise
of summer?
Yet every week it’s the
same
The horrid shriek
Of whirring blades
Revving engine
The mower comes


SECOND DRAFT


Weed is such an unfair name
for my delicious yellow

Don’t my soft spongy petals
caressing your cheek
fill you with the promise
of summer?

Yet every week it’s the same

The horrid shriek
of whirring blades
revving engine

The mower plows


THIRD DRAFT


Dandelion’s Lament

Weed is such an unfair name
for my delicious yellow

My soft spongy petals
caress your cheek

A glimpse of this bright bloom
fills you with the promise of summer

Yet every week it’s the same

The horrid shriek
of whirring blades
of revving engine
of putrid gas

The mower plows

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